


Zero Intelligence Texts

by CrysalisX



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: Basic B pairs but always ready to do a custom chapter, Basically if Nonary Games didn't have bombs, But so much more of shenanigans and inhumane conversation topics, Gen, Lots of feel goods
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26751559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrysalisX/pseuds/CrysalisX
Summary: The Crash Keys crew have faced a lot of difficulties in their times, and lord knows there’s only more to come. But they are people too, and like all disillusioned, socially awkward people they have a lot of dumb things to do to fill in their spare time. This is just a peek into that world of stupid and awkward text chains. Major spoiler warnings for all games, I would put trigger warnings but I ain’t putting things in here that would be worse than what’s in the games.
Relationships: Diana/Sigma Klim, Kurashiki Akane/Tenmyouji Junpei
Kudos: 10





	1. Illegal or Immoral?

**Author's Note:**

> Ahoy hoy!
> 
> I thought it was about time I started actually uploading the things I write! This fanfiction is a parody of those text blogs in which characters interact on chats. I thought there'd be a lot of crazy crap going on in Crash Keys after everything, so this takes place after the third game in which most of the characters still keep in contact and CK has teamed up with SOIS.
> 
> Most important characters will show up if all goes to plan but mainly features teams D & C from last game.
> 
> I would be very grateful for any comments or requests anyone has on my work, but either way I hope you enjoy the read!

* * *

**Chapter 1: Illegal? Or Just Immoral?**

CK Committee

Akane:

How is everyone doing? Don’t forget that our next meeting is going to be in a few days. We’re  
buying cookies :)

Carlos:

Wouldn’t miss it, thanks for the reminder though

Akane:

No problem.

Ooo, we should get calendars for the office and sync them up.

Man running an organisation with more than 2 people is fun, I get to put up stereotypical posters  
and plan fun, mandatory events!

Carlos:

I bet, actually I had a couple of questions about being part of this organisation before I sign  
anything if that’s okay

Akane:

Sure thing, what do you want to know?

Carlos:

Well, I mean it’s about what we’ll actually be doing

Akane:

Well, we’ll be working with the SOIS to utilise ESP abilities for the good of humanity. We’ll be  
specialising in and studying direct access to information from alternate, past and future possibilities  
in order to stop world-wide dangers before they happen.

Carlos:

Not really what I was looking for

I mean don’t get me wrong, very interesting and important information

I just already knew that from, you know, working part time for Crash Keys for a month

Diana:

I actually did not know this! I mean I’m only a medical advisor, but still good to know

Akane:

I’m not sure how to answer your question then, are you not sure about your job?

Carlos:

I guess that’s what I’m saying?

There’s not really any point in beating around the bush

Am I going to be dying at any point?

Akane:

What? No, of course not!

Carlos:

Okay, good to know

Akane:

Why would you think that?

Carlos:

I mean, because I’ve done it several times already, and it honestly seems to be a trend in  
everyone’s backstories as far as I’ve heard.

Phi:

This is a very good question I didn’t think of: will I be dying at any point?

Akane:

No, nobody is dying.

Sigma:

Yes it’s not technically dying, the job is to die and then come back to fix things.

Phi:

Okay so we are going the AB route. Dying.

Akane:

No! Don’t put words in my mouth Sigma, you of all people should know that there’s no more dying!

We’re not going to be doing anything like the decision or ambidex games, we’re going to do this the  
old fashion way.

We’ll be using the same techniques that I used to procure my own survival and leading reality into  
the preferred direction.

Phi:

Didn’t you basically put Junpei through the torture of seeing his possible deaths in order to do that  
when he was pretty ignorant of everything?

Akane:

No, I led him down a path of enlightenment that would open his mind to the morphogenetic  
field. Thus, he received all the information he needed of possible futures that reality would  
guarantee my survival and the continuation of peace beyond the decision game.

Junpei:

Basically yes she tortured me

Akane:

Jumpy!

Junpei:

What? I forgave you, no hard feelings

I mean I don’t know about everyone else but I know you did all those things for the greater good and  
all

Phi:

Speak for yourself, I never forgave her but I’m pretty sure she’s aware of this. We’re both big  
enough to forget but not forgive.

Sigma:

I mean, I just kind of accepted the way things were going.

Sure, I thought that there had to be a better way.

Maybe a way that didn’t kill the one I loved so soon.

A way that didn’t have my closest friend in a coma, so close yet so far from me, for 45 years.

A way that didn’t have me alone and isolated for so, so long, knowing I was going to put innocent  
people through horrible experiences.

Diana:

He’s in denial at the therapy bills

Carlos:

I’m sensing another trend here

Akane:

I am too. Is there something you guys wanted to say?

Phi:

I’m good.

Diana:

I have a couple of issues to bring up

Junpei:

I’m afraid to start talking but…

Sigma:

I’ll just say it to my therapists.

Carlos:

If possible I would like to revisit the dying thing, and would also like to ask about expectations  
on murder and torture

Akane:

…

Jeez! Fine, I’ll double the cookie count and book another meeting tomorrow to discuss workplace  
concerns.

Aoi:

I don’t think you’ll have the time, we need to talk about the panic-inducing drug tomorrow

We can’t use it for work while it still gives people heart-attacks

Akane:

Not a good time Aoi! Seriously not a good time!


	2. Normal Friend Things

Phi:

I’ve got the bleach let’s do this.

Akane:

Phi, are you about to do something dangerous? I should know about this I technically write your  
paychecks now.

Phi:

Oh snap, sorry I was trying to text your brother. It’s cold out here, hand must have slipped.

Akane:

Why are you texting my brother about bleach?

Phi:

Don’t worry, it’s just for our hair.

After Junpei wouldn’t stop saying we were gender swaps of each other we got together to talk about  
him behind his back.

Akane:

That’s my fiancée you know.

Phi:

And we are sorry for your situation.

Anyways it turns out Aoi knows a lot about hair dye and showed me a better technique, we’ve been  
doing each other’s hair for a couple of weeks now.

For a cynical bastard he’s pretty chill, it’s no wonder that people think we’re similar.

Akane:

Okay, well that’s a little weird…

Phi:

What is?

Akane:

I don’t know.

Just that I didn’t know, I guess.

I would have thought one of you would have mentioned it.

I mean I know I’m not exactly girly but maybe I would have like to at least known that you guys were  
getting close.

Phi:

Are you jealous?

About a cosmetic thing??

Akane:

Of course not, all I need to know is enough to look professional.

My brother cares more about that stuff than I do, I’ve never been jealous of him so obviously there’s  
no reason to be jealous.

Phi:

Yeah, no reason.

…

I mean all we really do is dye hair and chat shit about our co-workers while we do nails and stuff.

Akane:

Wait what?

Phi:

Obviously not you.

I mean there’s not really anything to back-talk about you since you own the half-sociopath thing.  
Even if there was your brother would probably kill me.

Akane:

No not that, I just didn’t know that he did his nails.

Phi:

You didn’t know?

Akane:

I mean

I did

I just didn’t know anyone did them for him.

Phi:

Well it’s not really an issue, is it.

Since you’re not jealous and all.

Akane:

That’s right, I’m not. You could do each other’s make-up for all I care. I don’t care about being  
included in this stuff.

Phi:

That’s good, since I was going to do his mascara and wings this time too.

Akane:

You’re actually doing his make up??

Phi:

Yeah, any issue with that?

Akane:

No! Obviously not!

I don’t care about that stuff.

I don’t care if neither of you told me because you’re telling me now.

Go have fun, go do your mutual interest like people do.

It’s not like I need to be babysat, I have things I’m interested in right here.

Phi:

…

Hey, Akane?

Akane:

What?

Phi:

Wanna come with?

Akane:

Yes please god any semblance of a normal friendship would be eternally appreciated.


	3. A Questionable Summary of Events

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junpei asks the hard-hitting questions everyone's dying to know.

Junpei:

Hey dude I have a question for you

Sigma:

Okay sure, go for it.

Junpei:

Okay but like, tell me if it gets too weird?

Sigma:

Okay…?

Junpei:

Just, like, this might get a bit personal, and I wanna make sure I’m not over-stepping and all

Sigma:

Junpei we have been through torture together. Maybe not together-together but basically together.   
If I can’t answer some personal questions with you, I would honestly feel a little offended.

Junpei:

Okay, fair point, just letting you know this might get a little weird

Sigma:

Shoot for the moon, shop is open. All that jazz.

Junpei:

Okay

So like

You had a kid named Kyle, right?

Sigma:

Yes, he was a clone of me.

Junpei:

Yeah clone son, you also made a robot called Luna

Who you said, by your own volition, you feel like is your daughter

Sigma:

That is correct. She was highly intelligent, enough so to present her own cognitive uniqueness in   
concern for others and presenting personal wishes. She was basically a person.

Junpei:

Yeah exactly, so she was kind of like an adopted daughter

Sigma:

Yes I would say so.

Junpei:

Okay, so, Phi also technically has your genes, right?

Sigma:

Well half yes, or perhaps it would be better to say she has a strong variant of my genetics thanks to   
epigenetics.

I was about to send you a very large paragraph about epigenetics, but I think I will save that for   
another time.

Junpei:

Good call

Okay so a bit more personal but Delta is also has your genes, right?

Sigma:

Unfortunately, yes.

Well, unfortunate in the Delta we know, perhaps another Delta would have turned out differently.

Junpei:

Yeah

Super unfortunate btw, don’t wanna mess with that, heart goes out to you and all

Sigma:

Thanks.

So what does all of that have to do with anything?

Junpei:

I mean, I have a few questions

Does Delta still count as your son if his brain is even older than your brain?

Is Sean Delta’s son like Luna’s your daughter?

Are him and Phi still twins even if he’s about like 80 years older than her?

Also because she’s kind of like a clone sort of?

Is Phi and Delta’s original sister siblings?

Also does that mean Kyle and Phi are half siblings?

If so, what about Kyle and the other twins?

Is he like, technically their second dad?

For that matter, what about Kyle and Sean? Is Sean his and Luna’s nephew?

Is Sean Phi’s nephew and your great-nephew? Cause that’s a weird image I’d like to see.

Does Kyle have like 4 half-siblings or does Luna count as his mother since that was what she was   
designed for?

Maybe his aunt?

Is Luna like Kyle’s and Phi’s and Delta’s aunt?

And Sean’s great aunt?

Isn’t Luna also like a few years old?

Okay it would actually make more sense that Luna is everyone’s little sister.

Actually, if she has the brain capacity of an adult and the body of an adult does that make her an   
adult?

Is Luna your future girlfriend-daughter? Or just daughter or just girlfriend?

Would it be incest if Kyle had a crush on Luna?

Or any of the other siblings for that matter?

Would it have been incest if you and Phi had done it even though she’s technically a clone of a clone   
and neither of you knew?

Would it have been incest if it was just one clone?

What if Phi had done it with one of the other Phis?

What’s the boundaries of clone-incest? Did you cover that when you were learning how to make   
Kyle?

Sigma?

Hey, Sigma you still there?

Sigma?

Why did you tell Akane I was ‘pestering you with invasive, immature and embarrassing questions’?   
You said the shop was open man!


End file.
